Cinemanners

 When I win the lottery, I am going to open my own cinema. It wont be very popular, because it will have RULES.

TRAILERS

1.Use the time when the trailers are on to switch your phone off. OFF. Not on silent, because you just wont be able to resist checking it will you? I know you are the very centre of the Universe, but it managed for a very long time before you arrived and will continue to do so after you've gone. So switch your phone off for a couple of hours. Cos that glowing screen isn't any less distracting than your phone ringing.

2. This is also the time to find your seats, go to the loo, buy your overpriced snacks and impart that last gem of information to your companions. Then STFU.

3. Snacks - nothing which needs to be unwrapped, or needs to be crunched. You have evolved enough not to die of starvation if you don't eat for the duration of the film. But if you are going to eat, do it quietly. And reaching into a bag and unwrapping a sweet really slowly doesn't actually make it quiter.

THE FILM

1. If you didn't get in by the time the trailers were finished, tough, you're not getting in now.

2. Do some research on the film before you come to see it. That way, we wont all have to listen to you ask your companion what it's about, what you saw that guy in before, run through everything you think it might have been, before realising it's not who you though it was.

3. Anyone kicking the back of the chair in front, will be taken to the front of the cinema at the end of the film, and shot. To death.

4. If you suddenly remember an important nugget of information that simply cannot wait until the end of the film, then quietly leave the cinema with the lucky recipient of the information. The rest of us can live without knowing whether or not the fact that some wee ned offered you a swig of his Buckfast means he fancies you.

5. If you have a short attention span or are just challenged by a film that you need to concentrate on - stay at home and wait for the dvd.

6. If you don't like the film, get up quietly and leave. Don't have a debate, don't go into all the reasons you don't like it ( usually, the phrase "This is shite, man" is the most popular critique).

AFTER THE FILM

1. You managed to carry in your drink cup and feeding trough when you came in - guess what - it's lighter now and easier to carry out to the bin! ("Bin" is not the term for under your seat or the stairs)

2. If people are waiting to come in to see the film you are leaving, don't talk about the film, especially if there is a big twist. It's not funny, and if you do this, you are a twat..

Apart from that, I'm pretty easy going about going to the cinema ;).

Princess Mandibles